January 1, 2013 by jannie123
The unknown scares the hell out of me. Although the “relationship” with the boy (I’ll call him Sam) was bad, I couldn’t move on. In fact, we weren’t even in a relationship. Yet, I have always been scared of moving on. Some of my fears include:
1. “What if he is the best there is for me?”
2. “What if he decided to commit right after I turned away?”
3. “What if he finds someone else?”
4. “What if I never find someone else that I love as intensely?”
As I look back, most of my fears were unfounded. There were a lot of quality men who treated me kindly with respect. I’ve met some handsome man, some rich man, and some sweet man. Although not all, many of them offered me a commitment. One guy even relentlessly asked me to be his girlfriend for 1 year. I just couldn’t commit to anything. I know I was miserable but I didn’t allow myself to be happy because of the fear that I might miss out on the opportunity to be with Sam.
As for the fear that he would commit and finding someone else, he still hasn’t so far. He did tell me that he’s met some girls he was interested in, (Callous!!) but it never blossomed into a long-term meaningful relationship. I guess he’s just as fearful as I am. Everyone are scared of the unknown…
Since we weren’t in a proper relationship, I did try to go out and meet other guys. However, my heart was always on Sam. If the guy resembles Sam in any way, I’d pay a little more attention him. I would not allow myself to love anyone else. I think most guys picked up on that energy. I’d refuse to kiss them and barely return their calls. I look for and magnify the flaws in them. Eg: he’s too old, he has too many chest hair, he is “boring”, he tries too hard, he isn’t smart enough etc. I always make up excuses as to why I shouldn’t move on with someone new. As miserable as I was, it was “safe” for me to stay with Sam. I got to know his style and temperament, and I knew a few things that he liked and disliked. I didn’t want to try things out with someone new!
That safe harbor however, held me back from many life experiences. I think I might already be in a happy and meaningful relationship had I moved on. I’m sitting around during the best years of my life, waiting for a guy who had clearly stated that he can’t commit. I feel stupid, but I felt safe. I know I have to get pass that in order to find true happiness…
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, talking with a counselor, writing and reading. I read this fantastic imagery on Briankim.net. To deal with the fear of the unknown, imagine you are driving in the fog. Sure, it’s safe to park your car on the side to wait for the fog to pass, but you are going to be late for work or your appointment. Time passes us by before we know it. So, you’d have to take the risk and drive into the fog into the unknown. Slowly, you will make your way through the fog and see a little bit better than when you first started. Eventually, you will get to your destination.
I try to keep that imagery in my head. Sometimes our overactive brain causes us to overanalyze things and install fears inside of our heads. We can’t just live inside our brains, we have to live our life through action and faith. Just keep going and trying it. Try to take things to the next level with a new guy. You don’t necessarily need to commit to him, but try to open your heart and allow new possibilities. Take things slow just as you need to drive carefully in the fog and stay convicted to your own goals and desire. Keep driving ahead and you will eventually get to your destination!