Day 9

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January 6, 2013 by jannie123

I can’t believe it has been over a week since I last saw or heard from him. I’m still recovering from the pain and letting go of the illusion that he is going to come back. If he were to contact me, I need him to be a changed him. Because he wasn’t forthcoming emotionally, I ended up living a lot in my own head, trying to make sense of what he does or doesn’t do. It’s hard living life on the edge. I was always thinking what I sat could set him off in a bad way. In the future, I am not going to guess or give him anymore of my energy and love. He doesn’t deserve it. I’m going to let him go completely.

I’ve also resolved to stay single for the next little while. It does not work if I hold onto the hope that I’m going to meet someone. I keep looking at everyone as a potential partner… that’s not good. Sometimes I think that I’m getting too old and I need to settle down asap… but yet I don’t want to… I don’t want to settle down until I find the right person.

I know that I am not ready for another relationship until I find myself. I have been so broken and scared. I want to be myself again. I don’t want to do whatever other tells me is best. I want to determine my own destiny. Although I am starting late, life is long, and I will for sure find what I’m looking for one day. My priority right now is to heal myself and find the purpose of my life again. I want to engage in life again. Life life and be happy and move on. I felt when i had Sam in my life, I always lived in a cage. I was unhappy and unfulfilled. I closed all opportunities before me. I have to open that door and charged forward and be brave.

There are many changes coming down the pipe for me…

-purchased and will move into a new apartment.
-getting surgery to fix my nose
-Launch a new website

Those are 2 big things coming down. I am looking forward to that. Action Action Action!

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