January 4, 2013 by jannie123
Well, it’s been a week since everything has happened…
I am feeling a lot better. I have been doing a lot of thinking and it’s funny how much you can change in a week. I went from desperately wanting him no matter what, to thinking “Do I really want to be with him?”. I am starting to step back and take a more objective look at the man that I loved so much… and I just don’t really feel the compelling needs to be with him anymore. Sure, I still miss him from time to time, but does he miss me? If he can live without me, I don’t want him. I don’t want to waste time and give my heart away to someone who won’t reciprocate.
A lot of friends have suggested me to get angry at him to feel better… I don’t like being angry. I read a quote a long time ago saying that being angry is just like being angry at yourself for something that other’s has done wrong. So why be angry? I’d rather pour my energy and love toward something else, such as this blog. I’m also going to be starting a new blog on how to heal your skin. I know my skin has took a big hit when I was stressed over Sam. So I have that to look forward to, and I’m finding purposes in my own life.
I really feel that a lot of my personality and hurt came from my childhood. I overheard my dad screaming at my mom this morning for saying something “she shouldn’t have said”. My mom asked “So don’t I have the right to say anything?” My dad went on and screamed at her. Eventually, my mom said “right right, it’s all my fault”. Isn’t that terrible? That’s where I learn my helplessly from. My self esteem is at rock bottom because of all those emotional abuse I have taken since day 1. I swear to myself that I will not be with someone who has a poor temper. I need a man who is full with purpose, self assured, and laid back at the same time. One day I will be able to find him.
There are a lot more things that I want to write and think about, but I have to go to work…. Will update this blog more over the weekend!