Day 5

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January 1, 2013 by jannie123

Happy New Year everyone!! ūüėÄ

We’ve made it pass 2012 and 2013 is going to be a kick ass year!

Woot woot!

I had moments where I felt sad. In fact, I stayed home last night instead of going out to celebrate the new year countdown. I don’t mind staying at home since I want to get a good start to the new year. But unlike the previous years, I don’t feel a major shift… it’s just another year….

I went to see my exboyfriend and caught up with him. We dated for 6 years but things didn’t work out. It is fine now, we are still good friends. We had a nice chat about our lives. We agreed at one point that it was good that we¬†separated¬†instead of dragging things on. Looking back, although I was the one who¬†initiated¬†the breakup, I couldn’t help but feeling depressed at the time. I felt so guilty. I wish I could take his pain away but I couldn’t imagine spending a lifetime with him after all that we’ve gone through. The pain, slowly but gradually passed, as I settled onto my new life. My ex, who was heartbroken at the time, is now also over the pain. He told me about his new life….even all the girls he’s dating! In the end, I asked if he wants to grab a bite with me, he said, “Sorry, but my girlfriend is waiting for me.” I was a little bit jealous inside, not because I wanted to get back with him, but more so because he had moved on and I am back in the dark place of pain and torture by a broken heart….

Anyways, after seeing my exboyfriend, I met this guy I’ve been chatting with online (Plenty of fish). That was our second “date”. I don’t have much expectations, but since he was coming to my area, I agreed to meet up. He brought his 2 dogs and we went to the dog park. The guy seems like a nice gentleman with a good job. I have a feeling that he really likes me (he sent me 8 text messages after we parted). I’m really confused. On the one hand, I do like him as he has a lot of the qualities I like, but on the other hand, I am still fresh from the heartbreak. I am not ready. I have experienced a lot of guys who are hot on the getgo, but eventually things¬†fuzzle. In addition, I don’t want to cheat myself the opportunity to grow and get stronger. I know if I didn’t fix myself, I would eventually go back to square one, where I feel heartbroken because a guy left me. I can’t use another guy as a walking stick for my recovery. I need to be strong and powerful.

So when the new guy ask if I want to date, I replied, “Let’s just take it slow”. I don’t want to loss him, but I also don’t want to get heart broken again. And plus, it feels kinda good to have a guy eating out of the palm of your hands when you are heartbroken. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just using him, I have enough suitors, and if I don’t see¬†opportunities, I won’t even give someone a chance.. So we will see how it goes. I want to overcome this challenge the universe has throw at me. I loved the previous guy…. but I can’t wait for him forever. He even pushed me away and told me to move on…. so we will see how things go and go from there…

Jane

—-

Gratitude Journal

As I promised, I was going to do a¬†gratitude¬†journal. Today I’m grateful for:

1. I’m grateful for my best friends who have been supportive as always
2. Grateful for my wisdom. The older I get, the more serious I take life. Although I’m now in my late 20’s, I feel that I exclude a different type of beauty, rather than just “cute”. I like the more mature me
3. Grateful for a warm roof over my head. My place is warm and makes me feel safe
4. Grateful for life. Today is the first day of a new year, nothing much is changing. It is just a reminder than we must take life more seriously as time will never turn back
5. grateful for the future and the unknown. Sometimes I wonder, what if I never get married?? What a scary thought… I think I just have to keep going and enter unknown¬†territory.

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