Day 4

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December 31, 2012 by jannie123

I feel sick… I probably lost quite a bit of weight due to my broken heart. I can feel myself shrinking and I don’t like this feeling. I am sooo hungry but I have no strength to go out for grocery. I’m just sitting here, feeling miserable. i can feel my body shaking from time to time due to stress. I miss him again. I thought the prayer method would work, but honestly, it just leads me to more wishful thinkings. I keep thinking…what if he changes? He still had not replied my last message in which I stated “You will see what you missed out on one day”. I feel like i did better the first 2 days then now… one step forward two steps back. How will I make it through the day? It’s Dec 31, the last day of the year. I will let myself feel miserable and tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll have to pick myself up and change…..

The biggest thing that keep drawing me back is that I keep bargaining…maybe he will change, maybe if he can only what I see in him, he will change…  I keep hoping that things will change. I feel like I’m going through the 5 stages of grief…1. denial and isolation, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. depression, 5. acceptance. So I still have a long way to go before acceptance.

I saw a beautiful man, with unlimited potentials, and amazing energy. I often call him a superhero. He was special to me, and I loved him to pieces. I know there is a dark side to him, but that was all the more intriguing to me. Well, I have no conclusion today. Maybe things will get better as the day goes on….


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