Day 1

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December 28, 2012 by jannie123

I know inside my heart that this would happen one day. We never were in a proper relationship, and so this is not considered a breakup. However, it was certainly a major milestone as I decided that I need to let him go.

I saw him for 2 years and have endured nothing but heartaches. I struggled to get to work, meet other people, and feeling good about myself. Often, I feel unwanted and unloved. I tried to date other people but my heart had no room for others. I guess my dates could tell that I was not into them. Although at times, it makes them work harder to be with me, I honestly found that kind of behaviour nothing but annoying. I had no room for other men other than him. The relationship had endured a lot of ups and downs over the years, and I’m exhausted about investing my heart and energy into something that not only fail to generate any return, but actually harms me!

I met with him yesterday for the first time in a month and he was extremely cold to me. He even told me to find someone else. It was callous. I went home and cried. This is not the first time I have experienced heartache. I know this relationship cannot go on like this. I know I have to let him go. And so I started this blog to document how I survive this ordeal from Day 1. I hope in writing and expressing myself, I will find some relief. And I hope that anyone who is reading this diary will take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Many of us struggle through such experience. We will get through this… we must… we have no choice.. We deserve a better future.

The first thing I did was cry. I let it all out. I cried and feel all the sadness inside my heart. All the broken dreams and expectations unmet, I let it all out of the system. I could not eat and hardly slept. I woke up every 2 hours at night. I finally found some relief through meditation. I focused my mind on my breath only, and was able to sleep for 4 hours.

I was exhausted from crying and my eyes were all puffy. I called into sick as I don’t think I could sit at work for 8 hours without crying again. I read some articles on how to let go, and one thing that stood out was “If it was meant to be, it will come back to you”. I guess there are many things that are out of our control…. I cannot make him love me…. what I could do, however, is I can choose to love myself. 

I texted him saying I am doing OK….I will focus on myself and one day, you will see what you are missing. I then got out of bed and decided that the best “revenge” is to improve myself. There are 3 things I’m aiming for: Beauty, Money, and Love. I will do all these things for myself in order to make myself happy. I then spent the next hour talking to my friends over text. I know my friend genuinely cares for me, and I was happy that he took the time to listen and cheered me up. I started to feel a little bit better.

I know, however, talking with friends is only a temporary solution. Once the conversation is over, I’d feel lonely again. I had all these love and energy that was rejected by the guy.. where should I pour them toward? I decided to start this blog. It’s been helping me today whenever I feel desperate and upset. I still miss him and think about him from time to time, but I try to redirect my mind and focus on my blog. I will focus on this until I feel stronger… I want to be so strong that I can also help others to get pass this tough time.

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